April 22, 2019

ROLE MODELS: HOW / WHERE DO ATHLETES FIT?

 “I am not a role model. Just because I can dunk a basket ball does not mean I can raise your kids.” Charles Barkley

 As troubles mount for Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius and Lance Armstrong’s status continues it plummet, we can use these events as a reminder to be careful in our choice of role models.  

Look at the following names and think about the good, the bad, the ugly actions for these athletes and coaches. Now look at the listed transgressions. Then insert letters (may be more than for each person) by the names. Many may get more than one letter.

ROLE MODEL ANSWERS Download

Name Letters Name Letters
Lance Armstrong   Kobe Bryant  
Tony Dungee   Lenny Dykstra  
Carlton Fisk   Dwight Gooden  
Chamique Holdsclaw   Marian Jones  
Michael Jordan   Bobby Knight  
Ray Lewis   Peyton Manning  
Mark McGuire   Joe Paterno  
Walter Payton   Michael Phelps  
Pete Rose   O J Simpson  
Pat Summit   Mante Taeo  
Tiger Woods   Mike Tyson  
Danica Patrick   Billie Jean King  
Minnie Minoso   Oscar Pistorius  

 Behaviors
A – Cocaine/Pot Use                                      
H – Illegal Performance Drugs
B – DUI / Drive under Influence                      I – Lying
C – Illegal Financial Activity                            J – Murder
D – Ignoring Crimes                                        K – Unfaithful to Partner
E – Meanness                                                 L – Sport Gambling
F – Stupidity                                                    M – Violence
G – Rape
X. So far so good, worthy of admiration What makes you believe the person stands out?

It’s easy to look towards popular culture role models, like athletes, coaches, singers, artists, celebrities, as our heroes to fill our idealistic desires. We see them; we believe because we want to and maybe we even need to believe. They compete, often win, may give to charity, and speak for social justice. Some overcome serious illness. Many, even with misdeeds, remain charismatic; they often sound great in interviews. Good sports we think, good winners and by golly our person, our hero.  

Sir Charles had it right: he is not to be our role model. Even if he lived an exemplary life we cannot know, we never know these people — only their personas.   

Admire abilities. Look for your role models closer to home. Look within your family and circle of friends.  Jim Rohn, author and motivational speaker, says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Be careful who you are with and let go of disappointments.

We know the goodness of our family and friends. We know that their influence on us can be enhanced through understanding their imperfections and  their humanness.  Still, be picky on your choices.

If you read It is Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong, you can learn from it.  It would make a good book of fiction; alas Armstrong wrote it as truth.  

A good number of public figures are terrific and do good things.     Just remember you don’t really know them and probably never will.

Sir Charles was also wrong:  it seems fair for athletes and for each of us to strive to be role models for others — because that striving is also right. Some athletes and coaches are great    people; we just can’t be sure of which ones. I bet there are some in that list you really like eh?  

Well for me, Minnie Minoso, my first athletic favorite, is still (as far as I have heard) ok!

Bill

Parenting: A Reference Summary

“All children behave as well as they are treated.” Anonymous

“I looked on childrearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully interesting and challenging as any honourable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” Rose Kennedy

Parenting — It’s the most important work many of us will ever do.

Over the weeks, you’ve read ten blogs on guidelines to improved parenting. Following are key reference points to use in your quest to raise healthy, respectful and happy kids.

SPANKING:
“Spanking does not teach inner conviction. It teaches fear, deviousness, lying and aggression.” Dorothy Corkhill Briggs

  • You can be a better role model and more effective parent yet never spank. It is typically not helpful and, at its worst, spanking teaches hitting will solve problems.

ROLE MODELING:
“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better  be changed in ourselves.” C.G. Jung

  • Kids model what they see! Being a good role model is the most important guide you can provide your kids.  You want a loving child, be a loving parent. You want a non smoker, don’t smoke. You want kids to use good language; you use good language. Continue lifelong learning to set an example of education for your child.

ATTENTION:
“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.” Jesse Lair

  • It is what is most important to kids.
  • Kids work to get the attention of their parents.
  • They quickly learn bad behavior first gets attention and often is followed by getting their way.
  • Give consistent praise for good behavior. Without children will increase misbehavior.
  • Kids will learn appropriate behavior brings attention and privileges.

COOPERATION:
“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for.” Elbert Hubbard, editor, publicist and writer

  • Doing what they are told is often the primary concern of parents.
  • It could be helpful to count how often you child obeys.
  • Praise is THE key way of attending to positive behavior.
  • Tell children what to do when there is no option.
  • Ask them when they have the option to say no.
  • Give them time to start the activity.
  • If they do not start in 30 to 60 seconds tell them again but more firmly.
  • If they still do not cooperate use Time Out.
  • If they break a rule use Time Out.
  • When they cooperate…praise.

LECTURING:
“We live in an emotion-dismissing culture,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “but if you build an awareness about your child’s emotions and your own, particularly an awareness of smaller emotions, then it may not be necessary for emotions to escalate.”

  • Explaining over and over is rarely helpful. It gives to much attention to the inappropriate behavior and the child typically zones out. Parents will simply increase their own frustration and waste their breath.

PUNISHMENT:
“There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents.” Robert Brault

  • It must not be dependent on pain, physical, mental or emotional; Punishment is only to help to decrease the unwanted behavior over time.

IGNORING:
“The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.” Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985

  • Used correctly a punishment stops attention for non-destructive undesired behavior, such as a tantrum.
  • When ignoring is used, the behavior may get worse before it improves.

REMEMBER:
“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Benjamin Spock

  • Be aware of what workswith your child.
  • Be thankful for the good immediate results.
  • Be more focused on and aware of the long term results.

Parenting is hard work and conceivably the most satisfying hard work you will do.

Be present and enjoy this work.

Bill

PARENTING: Interpreting Kid Talk

“We live in an emotion-dismissing culture,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “but if you build an awareness about your child’s emotions and your own, particularly an awareness of smaller emotions, then it may not be necessary for emotions to escalate.”

Hearing and Listening: Are you hearing but not listening?

It is important that we translate what others say to us — particularly when our children talk to us. Often we hear the words, take the  meaning literally and get distracted from what the context and delivery offer in the broader more accurate interpretation.

We can never be absolutely sure of meaning for any given communication. Words are only a small part of meaning. Context, tone, volume and facial expressions also need to be considered. Only the sender can know for certain the meaning or intent; sometimes the sender gives a mixed message.

Children want to be understood; they want their parents to stop and listen. When a child is not allowed to do some activity, he may say, “I hate you” or “you are a bad mommy.” Parents often get rapidly upset with those words and give attention with a lecture, punishment or give in to a tantrum letting the child have his way.

It is more useful to translate the communication. Acknowledge the feeling yet minimize attention. A parent’s response might be “I know you are disappointed (or angry) that your friend can not come over.” Be done with it; go on to what’s next.

Explanations are often particularly odd, saying a child is not allowed a certain feeling such as hate or a certain opinion. The oddness comes to play because nobody can control a child’s feeling or their opinion. Typically the feeling or stated opinion is not what is really going on.

Explanations generally serve to give more attention. For many children, the intensity and length of a lecture reinforces what they wanted — parental attention. If they get the attention, they may also eventually get their way.

Realize: “A tantrum is not a bad thing. It is actually an important developmental experience all kids need to have. Kids who don’t learn to express powerful feelings may have more trouble expressing them later. Your goal many not be to stop the tantrum, but instead to help your child work through it in a way that’s right for his development.” Gillian McNamee, Ph.D, Director of Teacher Education, Erickson Institute

If you can not ignore the words, Consider Time Out! It’s a much better solution for these situations.

Finally, in the midst of communication, give your children the most generous interpretation of what they say. It is not that they “hate” you or think you are “a bad parent.” It’s the here and now struggle with not getting their way.

Acknowledge that and move on.

Bill

Parenting: A Key Skill

The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.” Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985

“The pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth. To be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being’s mental and physical health, is a responsibility which most of us, including me, avoid most of the time because it’s too hard.”  John Lennon

How well can you ignore people, situations or spouse? Do you ever tell your kids to just ignore that kid at school who is teasing them? Then, possibly within minutes, your child asks for ice cream, begs, and begs some more “to please give me ice cream.” You say “no” and “no again” but eventually give in to the pleas. Sometimes parents will  admit…”I know I shouldn’t do this.”

Ignoring is an effective punishment for non-destructive behavior — such as  tantrums, nagging, pouting — to get one’s way.

Don’t use ignoring when there may be risk of injury to anyone or when there is disobedience.  Use Time Out.
Example of Injury and Disobey:   A 4-year-old says “I will run away” —
ignore the words. If the child then goes to leave the house, stop  him and use Time out.

However, there is a catch that makes ignoring a particularly hard job for parents. Ignored behavior will get worse before it gets better. When those same actions previously worked to get one’s way, and now are not working, a child’s natural reaction is to try harder. So ignoring is a difficult skill for parents to master.

A woman I worked with reported that her 6-year-old cried, whined and complained at bed time every night. After ten to fifteen minutes, the mother would acquiesce, go in and lay down with the child until he fell asleep. The process took about forty minutes.

The second night was similarly distressing but she stuck with ignoring. After a week she returned and reported her son’s complaining was down to 30 minutes. She was encouraged and felt more in control. By the next appointment, he had stopped fussing and was going to bed when told. He tried, one more time a few days later and she just ignored him. Bed time was then better for both of them.

Ignoring may at times seem the hardest task in raising children. Kids can often last longer; they have more stamina, more determination and situation by situation, they wear parents down.

It’s so tempting to lecture, explain or give in. Doing this simply strengthens the undesired behavior; the child got our attention and/or got his way. In the short run this works for the parent because the tantrum stops. In the long run, the undesirable behavior gets stronger and may take longer to get stopped.

Ignoring also requires cooperation. If one parent ignores and the other gives in, the child learns to repeat the undesired behavior with the right parent.

In the Parents Class, we did role play with the child getting her way.  Parents were asked who was in charge. Class members clearly identified it was the child. Next role play was the child not getting her way, but the parent using ignoring. It was clear to everyone the parent was in charge; the difference was dramatic.

IGNORING RULES:

  1. 1. Look away. No eye contact.
  2. 2. No Words. Do not respond to what they say.
  3. 3. Move away.
  4. 4. Keep a blank face, even as you look away. When parents understand ignoring and relax, they often see the behavior as funny and start laughing. This is simply another type of attention. On the other hand, don’t be so angry that your face is unfriendly.
  5. 5. When the tantrum stops, look for the child’s next positive behavior and praise immediately.

Your Challenge: As a parent, you pick one whiny, pouty, tantrum behavior that your child does repeatedly. Try ignoring the behavior for several days. Remember it gets worse before it gets better; then you’ll see good improvement.

Bill

Parenting: Time Out — Discipline Parents Can Rely On

“I looked on childrearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully interesting and challenging as any  honourable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” Rose Kennedy

“Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who tread on their toes.” Chinese Proverb

Question: what should happen when children break a rule or do not do what they are told?

Answer: Unfortunately for many parents this answer often starts with STOPPING! That is, STOP talking to them, STOP trying to convince them that they will be better off if they cooperate. STOP the ongoing and prolonged attempts to get then to understand. Pay attention — you will likely observe your child rapidly tuning you out.

Lectures are rarely helpful; the same lecture over and over even less so. One adult recently told me how, as a child, she grew the ability to tune dad out. Parents do not want this as an outcome.

Your children want your guidance; they want to know their limits.  At the most basic level, children know they don’t have mature  judgment to safely try a new behavior. Again, watch closely and you will see a child look towards their mother or father before trying something. They are checking out facial expression to see if they ought to be on alert.

Internationally known child rearing expert Ron Taffel says, “There should be a consequence every time they do not reasonably cooperate or they violate a rule.”

Remember punishment must not be physically, mentally or emotionally painful. Punishment is what you do that will reduce negative behavior.

WORDS: Don’t get caught up with the use of words. When words are involved, it opens the possibility of a debate. Parents may ironically note the debating child is learning how to be a good attorney. A debate contradicts the principle that a parent is in charge. Equally important, as a debate goes on, the child gets a great deal of attention (exactly what he/she wants) for the uncooperative behavior. The talking actually reinforces unwanted behavior.

Time Out: Kids 2-12 want your attention! Regardless of any secondary gain, such as ice cream or privilege, they want/need to get a parent’s awareness first.

Time Out: an abbreviation for time away from reinforcement. The idea is simple: find a boring place the child must go to and must stay for a specific time period.

Time Out Spot:

  • A place the child will not enjoy. Find a space that will be boring with minimum attention. It is often a corner of a less used room.
  • Do not use a child’s room. Some kids have an electronic paradise in their rooms. They won’t get your attention here, but there is plenty to distract from the connection of what they did wrong. Their room, at its best, is a space to enjoy not associate with
    punishment.
  • Do not use: any place that may be considered cruel, such as small dark closet or back porch on a cold winter day.

Time Out Time Frame:

  • 1 to 6 consecutive minutes, depending on age
  • Start by using one-half of child’s age for minutes
  • Example: Age 6 = 3 minutes. If there is difficulty implementing, generally speaking adjust the time frame downward. For instance sometimes 1 minute might just be too long for a 2 year old. There is no evidence that longer times are more effective.

Time Out Process:

  1. Child misbehaves:  Present matter-of-factly — what he did wrong and the consequence.  You did not obey me. Go to Time Out.
  2. Child remains quiet in time out. The catch — child must stay in Time Out and be reasonably quiet for the desired timeframe or time starts over. In early stages of learning Time Out, some children may have to be physically restrained.
  3. Ignore any words. This is necessary and it’s hard for parents to do. A child might say, I hate you or you’re mean. The brightest children seem to say I like this, which entices some parents to stop using Time Out very early. Why should you care even if your child truly likes Time Out? You want to ask instead: Did it help (over time) decrease negative behavior? Are you getting the desired outcome?
  4. Do not ignore if the child leaves Time Out. Restrain him/her with minimum words and minimum physical attention.
  5. Leaving Time Out:  After your child is quiet, for the required time period, simply say he can leave Time Out. If he still has a task to complete, restate the command.
  6. Immediately: Use Time Out as soon as negative behavior occurs.
  7. Repeat as needed.

Cooperation Sequence:

  1. To start a process, tell don’t ask.
  2. If they do not do it, reprimand.
  3. If Reprimand does not work, use Time Out.
  4. Always praise any good effort or success.

Review Parenting Category Blogs

Next week: Ignoring, the punishment many parents do not understand.

Bill

Punishment: THE HARD PART of PARENTING

“There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents.” Robert Brault

“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Benjamin Spock

The word punishment seems severe; little ones participate in uncooperative behavior — not crimes. In the context of this blog punishment is defined as anything   after a child behaves in a certain way that decreases the frequency of that behavior.  Used carelessly parents sometimes punish desirable behavior.

Be quite clear that punishment is not dependant on pain either physical or psychological, only that it helps to decrease the behavior. The only concern is does it decrease frequency over time.

Parents often say: We tried everything and nothing works. In fact, they may have tried several things, but none for long enough to give it a fair try. So as you try to change your interactions carefully look at behavior change over time.  Parents come back after the short time of a week or two and declare behavior has not improved. They sometimes have quit the effort saying “It did not help.”

Consider that it might have helped but they did not have the ability to identify the small changes.

Example: Your baseline count of obey and disobey for the week was 10 obey and 60 disobey. You add clear commands and praise to working with your child. Week 2 the count goes to 12 and 58. Did the behavior improve or was it just a random variation?

Week 3 the count is 14 and 56; then 16 and 54. At this point, you might realize that behavior slowly improved. Maybe you wonder if change will continue through week 20? Looking at the same rate of change, it could increase to 50 obey and 20 disobey. That would certainly be noticeable and noticeable is the point.

Remember it’s often the small, incremental steps of improving behavior that parents must look at. If there’s no behavior tracking, in a meaningful way, incremental progress will often go unnoticed and parents will say “nothing works.”

Yes — parenting is tough. Sticking with it patiently, for longer lengths of time, is often the hardest piece. Do you want to give up after a week or two because you did not notice
those incremental improvements? Or maybe you thought incorrectly the change was random? If parents say they’ve “tried everything,” that typically indicates they’ve tried lots of similar efforts for brief periods of time, often less than a day or two.

As parents — be in it for the long haul. Keep in mind the “noticeable effects” and the small changes. In your mind celebrate every success, know your steadiness will help your child
continue better actions; realize it will be worth your patience and efforts.

Parenting can be thankless when it comes to punishment. Do kids ever say after punishment “thank you very much for the wisdom you gave to me and the reminder you
love me
?”  Frequently the response is glaring and stomping!  Bear in mind, providing each consequence is best done from your foundation of love and wanting the best for your children. You are not after a thank you.

Discipline and behavior change are the outcomes you want. Ultimately you want your kids to effectively monitor themselves. Kids 2-12 want your attention — don’t forget this. The
underlying idea of punishment is to minimize your attention.

The punishment highlighted today is Reprimand. Use it to:

  1. Start a behavior now.
  2. Stop a behavior now.
  3. When a rule is broken.
  4. After a Tell Don’t Ask has not worked.

It is Tell Don’t Ask, done more firmly. Kids want attention; the REPRIMAND is designed to be as brief, yet  as effective and meaningful, as possible.

Practice REPRIMAND using the following communication skills:

  1. Move close — within 3 feet.
  2. Look at your child in the eyes.
  3. Use disapproving facial  expression.
  4. Voice is firm — but low intensity, not mean spirited.
  5. Nonverbal gesture of  disapproval — crossed arms or pointing a finger.
  6. Do it now — as soon as  your child disobeys or something needs done.
  7. As with  — Tell Don’t Ask, be specific.
  8. Wait! See if  the child cooperates. It’s interesting that children may say something like “you cannot make me” and at the same time cooperate. Pay
    attention to the cooperative behavior, not the words.

The sequence:

  1. Tell Don’t Ask. Wait 30  to 90 seconds. You pick a consistent time frame.
  2. If they do not start, do REPRIMAND. Wait 30 to 90 seconds
  3. Whenever your child  cooperates, praise.
  4. If they don’t cooperate,  you will need Time Out.

That will be next week: next step — Time Out

Parenting: PRAISE CHANGES EVERYTHING

“I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” Charles M Schwab
“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.”  Jesse Lair

How often do you, as an adult, feel good after receiving a small amount of praise, such as good job? How often do you use encouragement or praise with your child? My experience is many parents say they do this with high frequency but, in fact, do not.

This week you’ll learn about social reinforcement or more simply praise. Punishment will be reviewed next week.

In Parenting Sessions, the encouragement was paramount. It was a fun session and consistently influenced at least one family in a dramatic way by the next week.  At the end of class, I routinely predicted that by the next week someone would have dramatic change; it usually happened.

Social Learning Theory notes that behavior is influenced by the consequences of that behavior.  If something pleasant results from our behavior we are more likely to do it again. The positive behavior was reinforced. Thus reinforcers increase how often something happens.

For kids — there are all the encouragers we know, such as special food, staying up late, money, watching a particular TV show or time on the computer. The specifics differ for each child. Still in general, we know that parental attention is ultimately what’s most important for kids 2-12.

It is as if kids wake up with “I need to get my attention quota today;” if they do not get the attention for good behavior they will proceed to act out making sure that they get their quota. In fact, for some kids, the attempt to punish with attention (often in the form of long explanations, lectures) actually encourages inappropriate behavior; kids, after all, primarily want the attention.

Praise — how and when to use it! Praise is encouraging, supportive; these encouragers are a vital part of parenting.  Examples in using praise for kids:  going to bed on time, nice table manners, obeying, hanging  up clothes, brushing teeth, saying please, starting homework, continuing homework, picking up objects on the floor, talking or even disagreeing in a pleasant tone of voice, sharing, playing quietly, playing cooperatively — anything that is done in an agreeable manner.

Encouragers actively identify what to do and encouragement for doing it. It is in contrast to punishment which only addresses what to stop doing.

Praise has distinct advantages.

  1. Cost is free — no stars, nothing to buy
  2. Attention is handy — a parent always has attention with them.
  3. Positive Interaction — models desired behavior. Parents would come the next week and emotionally tell of now believing their children loved them. Or talk of their children praising them, Barbie or the dog.
  4. Self Confidence Improves — praise works wonders. Isn’t that how we all grow more confident when people we love appreciate something we do?
  5. Relationships Improve — who do we most often like? Generally it is people that say nice things to us. Then we look for their abilities, creating a positive cycle of interaction.

How often do you praise? As kids constantly get trophies for participation, you might wonder if it’s overdone.  It is hard to overdo.  Overdoing praise is rarely a part of ongoing problems. Let your child know about appreciation of honest effort and, of course, success. Do not over praise in the sense of saying you are the smartest or, the best. They generally know who is the smartest or the best; give more realistic and believable praise; it is more effective.

Small Steps: Don’t expect too much too soon. Know that for a first timer doing the dishes it is a many faceted job. Start with put the dirty dishes in the sink, follow with praise. Step two add soap and warm water; again follow by praise for good effort and successful completion. Add steps as needed. Success for your child, a step at a time is your goal.

As we did role plays, parents would try praise phrases like “thanks for finally doing what I told you to;” or “it is about time.” They might use a grumpy voice or shout from the other side of the room. At one level, praise seems simple; as with any new skill, practice is helpful to create ability.

So practice and follow these guidelines:

  1. Move close — within 3 feet
  2. Look your child in the eyes
  3. Smile
  4. Use a pleasant tone of voice
  5. Praise behavior, not the child. Good job putting your toys away not good boy.
  6. Touch — bump fists, hug, pat on the back. There is strong evidence that kids like pleasant touch.
  7. Do it now — praise immediately when positive behavior takes place. Don’t wait until the child begins something else.

Using these skills will make your communication more meaningful; help with exactly what you want when your kids are cooperating. The intimacy of this pleasant contact influenced the dramatic and rapid changes that occurred for some parents.

Remember: Start with Tell – Don’t Ask , then when cooperation happens, praise!

Do you wonder, “what about when the command and praise do not work?” Concentrate on the praise this week.

Next week: discussion of punishment

Bill

COOPERATION: Tell — Don’t Ask

“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for.” Elbert Hubbard, editor, publicist and writer

Do you wonder how the sequence of cooperation starts? Often it goes like this:

  1. Johnny (6 years old) would you cleanyour bed room?”
  2. Then often a few seconds later, Johnny would you pleeeese pick up your bedroom?”
  3. Finally, usually after more times of asking, in a loud voice: Go do it now; how many times do I have to tell you to pick
    up your bed room?”

This happens in the context of Johnny hearing their parents ask others (our spouse) for something; the spouse may reply with “no I am too busy right now.”

In addition, there are some contexts in which Johnny is asked to help in the kitchen; he can say “No, I am busy coloring” and that’s the end of it. In this example he had an option; in the first one he did not.

How can cooperation be initiated better?   Following are  guidelines:

  • Be specific — Pick up your socks and put them in the laundry. This is doable and increases the possibility of success.
  • One task at a time Cleaning a room can be overwhelming. Cleaning a room is often several specific processes such as: Put your dirty clothes in the hamper. When that is done, then say: put these 6 toys on the closet shelf.  The younger the child, the more important it is to stick with one task at a time. The less often the child cooperates the more important this point becomes.
  • Give the child time to cooperate — Tell, then wait at least 30 seconds but no longer than 90 seconds before the next step. Parents often will tell a child to do a task and then tell again seconds later. For most tasks (the exception is if they need to stop something dangerous) give them at least 30 seconds to hear what you have said and to change gears. Giving longer than 90 seconds, introduces the legitimacy of the child’s excuse “I forgot.”
  • Tell don’t ask — you are in charge of your home;   some things are not optional. Just tell, eliminate the confusion. As adults, we can usually tell the difference  when our boss is asking for real or tells us using
    a question to make it more polite. This difference is not easy for kids. Which questions are they allowed to say “no” to and which ones are really orders? How can they know the difference? To further  complicate this, kids hear others asking and getting a NO response. If dad can say “no” why can’t I?
  • It is ok to “ask” “Johnny would you please brush your teeth?”Just be willing to accept no as the answer. “No mom not tonight.”
  • Please is an ask word Don’t use it when you are telling. Yes teach your kids to be polite but not by confusing them. When you are actually telling them, when they have no options, don’t use please.
  • Be close Move closer to your child. Don’t tell from the other side of the room or another level of the house. Use a matter of fact, not harsh, voice. Ideally you want cooperation with a simple telling; so that is where you have to start.

This is the first step in cooperation. Remember to tell, don’t ask. Be patient and be pleased with small steps. Keep counting.

Next week: Focus on effective encouragement when children cooperate or just do something positive on their own.

Bill

Parenting Skills: Boring Baseline

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” C.G. Jung.

This is the first in a sequence of blogs on parenting with practical, proven information to help parents in working with your children or to help professionals in working with families.

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell writes that it takes 10,000 hours of focused practice to get excellent at a skill. Don’t you think parents get well over 10,000 practice hours?  Gladwell cautions that practicing the wrong things just helps us get set in doing it poorly; that is apparently how I do golfing.

Parenting Classes: What parents reported and learned:

As I taught parenting classes, parents were concerned about their child’s behavior, but rarely about their own. At the same time parents understood they had great influence on their child’s behavior.

Parents often claimed their child never obeyed. That was never the case. Some though reported only 2 – 3 obeys for the 70 instructions counted for the week. Parents were instructed to not show the count sheet to the child as typically just the act of counting improves behavior, at least in the short term.

Many parents were shocked by how often they were telling kids to do things. Some got through the 10 in the first half hour the children were up in the morning. Many were surprised by how often their child cooperated. Some children, whose parents claimed never did what they were told, actually cooperated half of the time. Just  noticing and counting was helpful for those parents as they noticed how often they were telling and had increased appreciation of their child’s cooperation.

As the class progressed, it was evident that when child cooperation got better, parenting skills had similarly improved.

Most parents want to be good parents and want their children to have cooperative and pleasant behavior. Practice: think about how much you practice parenting! To improve any skill or ability, you should know:  where you are starting, where you want to go, and what it will take to get there.

How do you know the level your skill or your child’s ability now? What is that baseline? Consider also about the specific outcomes that you desire.

Take the parent who says my child’s room is always a mess!

  • How do you describe clean?
  • How do you measure clean?
  • EXAMPLE: Specifying desired, measurable outcome
    • Deadline: 8PM —Toys are to be in toy box. then
    • Count the number of toys still on the floor at 8PM.
    • Do this daily for seven days, to get the starting point for behavior and baseline for progress.
    • IMPORTANT: baseline is absolutely necessary. Change is often so small that only by counting from a baseline is the change noticeable.

Are you ready to start on the next 10,000 practices for parenting? Are you ready to start improvement for you and for your child? What behavior do you want to see improve or change?

Please don’t pick the most difficult behavior of the most difficult child. The first step is to learn what you need to grow as a parent and later apply your growing ability to more difficult situations.

START NOW —DEFINE specifically the behavior you are concerned about. Most parents ended up counting cooperation…so that will be the reference of this blog.

  • Get your count sheet.  Do NOT show this to your child. It’s only for you.
    Count Sheet for Parents
  • For this beginning, you are doing only the baseline, counting what is now happening. Afterwards do whatever you would normally do.
  • Guess the number of times your child will cooperate this week.
  • Track the first 10 times your child is told to do something daily, this will be your baseline.
  • Continue this for one week

Ultimately parents wonder what outcome of cooperation is reasonable. What is ideal? Experts suggest cooperation 70% of the time is an excellent outcome. Cooperation at 100% would be a bit scary; after all we’re not looking to have children behave like robots. A little spunk and independence are good things. Cooperation 95% of the time, after the second tell, would also seem excellent.

At the end of the week you will have a total of 70 times you told your child to do something with a specific smaller number of times they cooperated. That will be your baseline or starting point.

Check back over the next weeks, continued information for improving your parenting skills and your child’s behavior will be discussed.

Next week: Tell Don’t Ask: Getting Cooperation Started.

Bill

 

 

PARENTING: SEVEN PROBLEMS WITH SPANKING:

Spanking is an act of violence, so ethically, it could be justified only if there was absolutely another way to improve the way kids act.” 
Ken Gallinger, Ethically Speaking, Toronto Star

 “Spanking does not teach inner conviction. It teaches fear, deviousness, lying and aggression.”
Dorothy Corkhill Briggs   

What is discipline? The key definition of discipline: if behavior decreases over time; it is discipline; if not parents are just fooled with the seduction of short term responses that seem like success.

Recently I read a note on the internet that made me cringe. The essence was “thanks for the spankings. See how well I turned out; isn’t that what we need more of today with all the problems we are having with kids.” Responses essentially agreed.  

This is a narrow and short sighted view. It may be possible to use spanking in a way that might be helpful. However, having worked with hundreds of parents, that had no success with spanking their kids, and being familiar with studies about spanking, I strongly disagree. I would add many of these same parents are less than satisfied with how they turned out, having also been spanked as youngsters.

Following are seven problems with the use of spanking as a mode of discipline:  

  1. Guilt — the parent often feels guilty spanking their child; the result is soon afterwards they hold them and talk gently to them. Essentially the child learns that misbehaving means getting pleasant attention and maybe the spanking will be “worth it”. Interestingly the guilt is useful at its foundation, namely feeling guilty for hitting makes sense.
  2. Inconsistency — the parent’s guilt results in overlooking inappropriate behavior. A parent feels bad about hitting their child and seeing them cry. Then   the parent dooesn’t want to spank again; thus may not follow through with any discipline the next time that behavior happens. There goes consistency.
  3. Anger — whose needs are being met with spanking? In most cases, the behavior has happened again and again. Eventually the parent gets angry. The Result? Spanking is done because of anger, not the child’s actions.  Done with anger, the parent’s adrenaline can increase and abuse may occur. We know from the human flight or fight response that when fueled by adrenaline and cortisol, rationale decreases, energy intensifies. Spankings may become beatings.
  4. Rewards — there appear to be short term rewards for the parents. They feel like they have done something and the behavior may immediately stop; the parent is relieved, feels it “worked.”  Frequently though the behavior is repeated the next day and the next. The broader sense of discipline needs to be what helps in the big picture — in the long run. There is risk of falling in to the trap of the parent doing the same thing over and over, but continuing to get the same ongoing non cooperative behavior from the child.   
  5. Aggression — spanking does not bring people closer. It does not contribute to a loving relationship. It may create more belligerent conduct.
  6. Role Model — hitting to solve problems is not the role model most parents want. It seems particularly ironic and self defeating to use spanking to punish kids for fighting. This point is further complicated when spanker will use a weapon such as a belt, metal ruler or switch apparently thinking more pain makes it more useful. There is, by the way, no evidence that pain enhances discipline.
  7. Instability — spanking as discipline often indicates unbalance in the home. What happens is one parent (let’s say mom) says “wait till the dad gets home.”  Dad then becomes one to be avoided, the parent to fear. Mom may become the confidant, who often over looks misbehavior or befriends the child. The waiting is a problem.  By the time the spanking happens, the child is often cooperating, sharing, doing homework, and has forgotten about what he did that resulted in spanking.  In that child’s mind, it can feel like being spanked for doing good behaviors. Being excited to see dad come home also goes out the window.  

It is often presented that spanking, time out or some piece of parenting “works.” There is no one thing that parents can do that “works” all the time. Being an effective parent, is a combination of loving them, being respectful of them, being firm, being as consistent as possible, being a good role model and remembering that you are the constant for your children.

Parenting is hard work. Spanking presents major problems. You can be a better role model, more effective parent, and never spank.

Being a parent is the most important work you can or will do.

“All children behave as well as they are treated.” Anonymous

Bill