April 22, 2019

We Are Penn State

“There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.” French ProverbIntegrity from Dictionary
“Character is much easier kept than recovered.” Thomas Paine

Did these Penn State events that unfolded last week make you aware of your humanness? Do you now think more of integrity? Much as we said “We are all New Yorkers” at the time of 9-11, it seems true that “We (too) are Penn State!”  We all have a heightened awareness of integrity and of the necessity that our children must be protected. We know winning is that important!

Some of the winners we make into icons. Paterno, Rose, Tiger, Ali, Armstrong, Sweetness, Marion, Magic, OJ, Kobe, Knight, ARod — the list goes on to be much longer. These and others have been on pedestals only to fall, as pieces of their lives have been revealed to us.
In our minds, we have this idealistic picture,  an image of what we want them to be. We lift them up and believe they are more than athletes or coaches.
NBA star Charles Barkley once pointed out that it is up to parents and family to be primary role models, not sports figures. Don’t we agree with that simple statement? It is a guarantee that some of the current icons will also fall and remind us their integrity is not as we imagined. It seems to happen frequently.  We make it about home runs and yards gained, often forgetting sportsmanship and honesty. It is fair for athletes to be role models but important to remember that family and friends need to be primary in that status.
It’s important to remember we never know who those icons are — not really. We are Penn State.
We are up if our team wins; down if it loses. We project grand meaning on victory and and may be depressed with defeat. We buy team gear often with a player’s name on the back; we attend, watch and listen to all that talk; money flows to the teams and the media.  Big time college coaches are paid princely fees, more than Nobel Prize winning professors and more than their so called boss, the president of the university.
At times, it seems people believe if their team wins, they are somehow a better person and, yes, better than someone who supports a losing team. People have been injured inside and outside of stadiums because they wore the wrong hat. Professional athletes often make huge amounts of money; even as we now know, they are not necessarily good role models (see Kobe and A Rod). Though athletes may do significant good, as Armstrong has, we can’t be sure of their broader behavior or of their integrity. They are just humans.
Competition is part of our culture. Of course we want to win. We must however be careful of this desire to win doesn’t include uses the tools of cheating, of looking other way, of protecting bad behavior, of protecting the institution — all in the name of winning. Penn State is not the first, nor will it be the last, to disappoint in the name of victory. We are Penn State.
We want the winners and the icons. JoPa was an icon to many. Yet how can some of those same followers explain that six years ago they wanted to fire him. They were losing and the football team seemed to regress. Fickle aren’t we? We are Penn State.
Iconic coaches routinely walk out of lengthy contracts, breaking their word to the college, to the players, accepting a better deal elsewhere. Then this same iconic word breaker is, in fact, welcomed with open arms to the new school and demonized at the old.
The next school and fans rationalize the coach’s integrity. Promises are made again and sometimes the same coach repeats the behavior, for the next better deal.  What does this tell our students, our society about the place of trust and honesty? Winning at any (moral) cost is too often the norm. We are Penn State.
Hours of talk radio, listening to analysis of the sport of the moment. Do we put too much on to winning?
How bad is it? The lead story on Monday morning is typically a poll asking us: “who is the best team?”  People vote; people call in with blather; media jockeys talk endlessly about whether the poll was right or wrong; they give opinions incessantly. Gosh it’s a vote, not a game! We are Penn State.
I say support victory with sportsmanship and integrity. Penn State is now more attuned to this goal. In this way I hope — We are Penn State.
Crisis breeds opportunity. Penn State will likely grow and improve through this event. Is that not the case in life too? We rarely welcome the crisis; yes the growth is always optional. Pick the growth!
Hold Penn State accountable, forgive and allow and let them grow. Help them protect their children as we protect ours.
Root for your team and understand that  sportsmanship and integrity, can and need, to participate fully as teammates.  We are Penn State.
Bill


What is your responsibility if you witness or suspect child abuse?
Indiana’s law (http://www.pcain.org/indiana_laws.asp) says you must report. Some schools, businesses and agencies have rules that say you must talk to your supervisor. That’s ok, but reporting incidents directly to authorities is still your responsibility. A supervisor is twice removed. The supervisor did not see or hear the event but rather hears it. from you. Also a financial part is now included as too often the supervisor wonders if reporting would somehow hurt business (what if the abuser is a best customer).
If you suspect child abuse or neglect report it immediately to: Child protective Services or law enforcement. If something is happening now…call  911. Protect our children.

Parenting: A Reference Summary

“All children behave as well as they are treated.” Anonymous

“I looked on childrearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully interesting and challenging as any honourable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” Rose Kennedy

Parenting — It’s the most important work many of us will ever do.

Over the weeks, you’ve read ten blogs on guidelines to improved parenting. Following are key reference points to use in your quest to raise healthy, respectful and happy kids.

SPANKING:
“Spanking does not teach inner conviction. It teaches fear, deviousness, lying and aggression.” Dorothy Corkhill Briggs

  • You can be a better role model and more effective parent yet never spank. It is typically not helpful and, at its worst, spanking teaches hitting will solve problems.

ROLE MODELING:
“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better  be changed in ourselves.” C.G. Jung

  • Kids model what they see! Being a good role model is the most important guide you can provide your kids.  You want a loving child, be a loving parent. You want a non smoker, don’t smoke. You want kids to use good language; you use good language. Continue lifelong learning to set an example of education for your child.

ATTENTION:
“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.” Jesse Lair

  • It is what is most important to kids.
  • Kids work to get the attention of their parents.
  • They quickly learn bad behavior first gets attention and often is followed by getting their way.
  • Give consistent praise for good behavior. Without children will increase misbehavior.
  • Kids will learn appropriate behavior brings attention and privileges.

COOPERATION:
“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for.” Elbert Hubbard, editor, publicist and writer

  • Doing what they are told is often the primary concern of parents.
  • It could be helpful to count how often you child obeys.
  • Praise is THE key way of attending to positive behavior.
  • Tell children what to do when there is no option.
  • Ask them when they have the option to say no.
  • Give them time to start the activity.
  • If they do not start in 30 to 60 seconds tell them again but more firmly.
  • If they still do not cooperate use Time Out.
  • If they break a rule use Time Out.
  • When they cooperate…praise.

LECTURING:
“We live in an emotion-dismissing culture,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “but if you build an awareness about your child’s emotions and your own, particularly an awareness of smaller emotions, then it may not be necessary for emotions to escalate.”

  • Explaining over and over is rarely helpful. It gives to much attention to the inappropriate behavior and the child typically zones out. Parents will simply increase their own frustration and waste their breath.

PUNISHMENT:
“There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents.” Robert Brault

  • It must not be dependent on pain, physical, mental or emotional; Punishment is only to help to decrease the unwanted behavior over time.

IGNORING:
“The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.” Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985

  • Used correctly a punishment stops attention for non-destructive undesired behavior, such as a tantrum.
  • When ignoring is used, the behavior may get worse before it improves.

REMEMBER:
“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Benjamin Spock

  • Be aware of what workswith your child.
  • Be thankful for the good immediate results.
  • Be more focused on and aware of the long term results.

Parenting is hard work and conceivably the most satisfying hard work you will do.

Be present and enjoy this work.

Bill

PARENTING: Interpreting Kid Talk

“We live in an emotion-dismissing culture,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “but if you build an awareness about your child’s emotions and your own, particularly an awareness of smaller emotions, then it may not be necessary for emotions to escalate.”

Hearing and Listening: Are you hearing but not listening?

It is important that we translate what others say to us — particularly when our children talk to us. Often we hear the words, take the  meaning literally and get distracted from what the context and delivery offer in the broader more accurate interpretation.

We can never be absolutely sure of meaning for any given communication. Words are only a small part of meaning. Context, tone, volume and facial expressions also need to be considered. Only the sender can know for certain the meaning or intent; sometimes the sender gives a mixed message.

Children want to be understood; they want their parents to stop and listen. When a child is not allowed to do some activity, he may say, “I hate you” or “you are a bad mommy.” Parents often get rapidly upset with those words and give attention with a lecture, punishment or give in to a tantrum letting the child have his way.

It is more useful to translate the communication. Acknowledge the feeling yet minimize attention. A parent’s response might be “I know you are disappointed (or angry) that your friend can not come over.” Be done with it; go on to what’s next.

Explanations are often particularly odd, saying a child is not allowed a certain feeling such as hate or a certain opinion. The oddness comes to play because nobody can control a child’s feeling or their opinion. Typically the feeling or stated opinion is not what is really going on.

Explanations generally serve to give more attention. For many children, the intensity and length of a lecture reinforces what they wanted — parental attention. If they get the attention, they may also eventually get their way.

Realize: “A tantrum is not a bad thing. It is actually an important developmental experience all kids need to have. Kids who don’t learn to express powerful feelings may have more trouble expressing them later. Your goal many not be to stop the tantrum, but instead to help your child work through it in a way that’s right for his development.” Gillian McNamee, Ph.D, Director of Teacher Education, Erickson Institute

If you can not ignore the words, Consider Time Out! It’s a much better solution for these situations.

Finally, in the midst of communication, give your children the most generous interpretation of what they say. It is not that they “hate” you or think you are “a bad parent.” It’s the here and now struggle with not getting their way.

Acknowledge that and move on.

Bill