May 31, 2020

Parenting: A Reference Summary

“All children behave as well as they are treated.” Anonymous

“I looked on childrearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully interesting and challenging as any honourable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” Rose Kennedy

Parenting — It’s the most important work many of us will ever do.

Over the weeks, you’ve read ten blogs on guidelines to improved parenting. Following are key reference points to use in your quest to raise healthy, respectful and happy kids.

SPANKING:
“Spanking does not teach inner conviction. It teaches fear, deviousness, lying and aggression.” Dorothy Corkhill Briggs

  • You can be a better role model and more effective parent yet never spank. It is typically not helpful and, at its worst, spanking teaches hitting will solve problems.

ROLE MODELING:
“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better  be changed in ourselves.” C.G. Jung

  • Kids model what they see! Being a good role model is the most important guide you can provide your kids.  You want a loving child, be a loving parent. You want a non smoker, don’t smoke. You want kids to use good language; you use good language. Continue lifelong learning to set an example of education for your child.

ATTENTION:
“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.” Jesse Lair

  • It is what is most important to kids.
  • Kids work to get the attention of their parents.
  • They quickly learn bad behavior first gets attention and often is followed by getting their way.
  • Give consistent praise for good behavior. Without children will increase misbehavior.
  • Kids will learn appropriate behavior brings attention and privileges.

COOPERATION:
“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for.” Elbert Hubbard, editor, publicist and writer

  • Doing what they are told is often the primary concern of parents.
  • It could be helpful to count how often you child obeys.
  • Praise is THE key way of attending to positive behavior.
  • Tell children what to do when there is no option.
  • Ask them when they have the option to say no.
  • Give them time to start the activity.
  • If they do not start in 30 to 60 seconds tell them again but more firmly.
  • If they still do not cooperate use Time Out.
  • If they break a rule use Time Out.
  • When they cooperate…praise.

LECTURING:
“We live in an emotion-dismissing culture,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “but if you build an awareness about your child’s emotions and your own, particularly an awareness of smaller emotions, then it may not be necessary for emotions to escalate.”

  • Explaining over and over is rarely helpful. It gives to much attention to the inappropriate behavior and the child typically zones out. Parents will simply increase their own frustration and waste their breath.

PUNISHMENT:
“There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents.” Robert Brault

  • It must not be dependent on pain, physical, mental or emotional; Punishment is only to help to decrease the unwanted behavior over time.

IGNORING:
“The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four – of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.” Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985

  • Used correctly a punishment stops attention for non-destructive undesired behavior, such as a tantrum.
  • When ignoring is used, the behavior may get worse before it improves.

REMEMBER:
“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Benjamin Spock

  • Be aware of what workswith your child.
  • Be thankful for the good immediate results.
  • Be more focused on and aware of the long term results.

Parenting is hard work and conceivably the most satisfying hard work you will do.

Be present and enjoy this work.

Bill

PARENTING: SEVEN PROBLEMS WITH SPANKING:

Spanking is an act of violence, so ethically, it could be justified only if there was absolutely another way to improve the way kids act.” 
Ken Gallinger, Ethically Speaking, Toronto Star

 “Spanking does not teach inner conviction. It teaches fear, deviousness, lying and aggression.”
Dorothy Corkhill Briggs   

What is discipline? The key definition of discipline: if behavior decreases over time; it is discipline; if not parents are just fooled with the seduction of short term responses that seem like success.

Recently I read a note on the internet that made me cringe. The essence was “thanks for the spankings. See how well I turned out; isn’t that what we need more of today with all the problems we are having with kids.” Responses essentially agreed.  

This is a narrow and short sighted view. It may be possible to use spanking in a way that might be helpful. However, having worked with hundreds of parents, that had no success with spanking their kids, and being familiar with studies about spanking, I strongly disagree. I would add many of these same parents are less than satisfied with how they turned out, having also been spanked as youngsters.

Following are seven problems with the use of spanking as a mode of discipline:  

  1. Guilt — the parent often feels guilty spanking their child; the result is soon afterwards they hold them and talk gently to them. Essentially the child learns that misbehaving means getting pleasant attention and maybe the spanking will be “worth it”. Interestingly the guilt is useful at its foundation, namely feeling guilty for hitting makes sense.
  2. Inconsistency — the parent’s guilt results in overlooking inappropriate behavior. A parent feels bad about hitting their child and seeing them cry. Then   the parent dooesn’t want to spank again; thus may not follow through with any discipline the next time that behavior happens. There goes consistency.
  3. Anger — whose needs are being met with spanking? In most cases, the behavior has happened again and again. Eventually the parent gets angry. The Result? Spanking is done because of anger, not the child’s actions.  Done with anger, the parent’s adrenaline can increase and abuse may occur. We know from the human flight or fight response that when fueled by adrenaline and cortisol, rationale decreases, energy intensifies. Spankings may become beatings.
  4. Rewards — there appear to be short term rewards for the parents. They feel like they have done something and the behavior may immediately stop; the parent is relieved, feels it “worked.”  Frequently though the behavior is repeated the next day and the next. The broader sense of discipline needs to be what helps in the big picture — in the long run. There is risk of falling in to the trap of the parent doing the same thing over and over, but continuing to get the same ongoing non cooperative behavior from the child.   
  5. Aggression — spanking does not bring people closer. It does not contribute to a loving relationship. It may create more belligerent conduct.
  6. Role Model — hitting to solve problems is not the role model most parents want. It seems particularly ironic and self defeating to use spanking to punish kids for fighting. This point is further complicated when spanker will use a weapon such as a belt, metal ruler or switch apparently thinking more pain makes it more useful. There is, by the way, no evidence that pain enhances discipline.
  7. Instability — spanking as discipline often indicates unbalance in the home. What happens is one parent (let’s say mom) says “wait till the dad gets home.”  Dad then becomes one to be avoided, the parent to fear. Mom may become the confidant, who often over looks misbehavior or befriends the child. The waiting is a problem.  By the time the spanking happens, the child is often cooperating, sharing, doing homework, and has forgotten about what he did that resulted in spanking.  In that child’s mind, it can feel like being spanked for doing good behaviors. Being excited to see dad come home also goes out the window.  

It is often presented that spanking, time out or some piece of parenting “works.” There is no one thing that parents can do that “works” all the time. Being an effective parent, is a combination of loving them, being respectful of them, being firm, being as consistent as possible, being a good role model and remembering that you are the constant for your children.

Parenting is hard work. Spanking presents major problems. You can be a better role model, more effective parent, and never spank.

Being a parent is the most important work you can or will do.

“All children behave as well as they are treated.” Anonymous

Bill